Here I am again, stating for the world and J Train faithful that I am pregnant. Thus the blog silence approximately the length of when I found out to the end of my first trimester. I could have blogged during the last two months but all I would have talked about is how hungry I was, how sick I felt, and how I wanted to go to bed all the time.
But I have made it through! It is tapering off. I am gaining a bit of my energy back and do not have to eat constantly to maintain the ability to function.
I have also been putting off this announcement because I was a bit overwhelmed myself. Thinking I was moving on. Saying a wistful but peaceful goodbye to pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding.
And then, I am pregnant. I want to tell you I was thrilled. That I really wanted the test to be positive. That children are a blessing and I felt blessed.
But this ain't my first rodeo.
Although you do feel excitement when you think about tiny baby socks and the feeling of a newborn on your chest...you also know what is to come. The fat ankles. The tums on your bedside table. Your skinny jeans hiding away in your closet for months on end until you dare to try them on. The sheer exhaustion from the hard work of carrying around a person who enjoys squishing your organs. The joy of breastfeeding that often leaves you feeling like a milking cow. And this is only the beginning! The potty training! The messes! The feeling (now times six) you have when you go to bed at night that you are permanently screwing up these little people you're responsible for raising!
And then tonight I had a revelation. I have been thinking about how everything is multiplied the more kids you have. With every child I have gained a little more weight. With every child my belly pokes out a little sooner. With every child it takes me a little longer to lose aforementioned weight. With every baby I just feel a little more weighed down with responsibility.
I just feel really guilty that while all these silly worries multiply, my excitement doesn't seem to multiply.
And then I realized. It does.
(This is the revelation part.)
The excitement for this baby is not only from myself, it's multiplied by Jimmy, Jackson, Libby, Cash, Penelope, and Juliet. They are expecting too. And this little one is surrounded with more than enough love and excitement.
Well, there is much more to be said and I've written this blog many times in my head and I don't think any of that came out, but I'm tired now. And I'm hungry. And starting to feel a little nauseated. And I'm pregnant, okay? Look! I have proof! He or she is in there and they're waiting to get on the J train. All aboard!